Being an Autistic Mystic.

THE STORY – How to Fall in Love with Being a Living Paradox.

With THE STORY I’m sharing words from my soul, stories from my life, and the myth of my experience. Today I let you in on how I feel about the connection of being a mystic and autistic, and why I have decided to open up about it all.

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On some days this feeling is more prevalent, than on others, and yet it is the undertone of each and every moment: I am living a paradox. A question without an answer, one that cannot be answered, and one that, as I now understand, is not meant to be answered. It’s meant to be lived.

This circumstance had me feel confused and frustrated for a long time – but today it makes me feel centred. Clear. Proud even. Not in a boastful way – but in a way that feels like taking a deep breath, and finding relief in the fact that I found the anchor within myself – an anchor that celebrates being a question and answer at the same time, that comes with a sense of clarity born from the mystery itself.

How it all began.

For most of my life I found it incredibly hard to be clear on my own identity. As a kid, I went through a time where I kept telling my mum that all I wanted was to be normal, while both my parents reassured me it was okay, and actually even pretty damn great, not to be.

As a teenager, after years of constant anxiety-induced belly aches and bullying sprees at school, I went through a phase of trying to become a goth – but it didn’t help: no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find the answer to the question: who am I, really?

In my early twenties, I discovered Human Design. Learning that I am a Mental Projector, I put a lot of the question marks about my identity down to the undefined G-Centre in my chart, and the general idea that the world is built for Generators, but not for non-motor beings like me. I continued to play with various systems, like the Gene Keys, the Soul’s Code, 16Personalities, Astrology, Numerology… you name it.

Since my late teens I had been getting more and more involved in spirituality, transcendence, and philosophy, and eventually the two core aspects of being me rolled in all at once:

The Mystic and the Autistic.

I will never forget the day, a few years ago, when I, after years of questioning and researching what was going on with me, stumbled across Samantha Craft’s unofficial autistic traits checklist. I remember sitting at my desk, bawling my eyes out. For the first time in what felt like forever I felt truly seen. Someone seemed to have sat down and made a list of my lived experience. Of course, not each and every point resonated, but the vast majority did.

And then the memories began to roll back in: how I was deemed a highly intelligent and gifted child, but the GP recommended to keep me out of school for one more year, because of my social anxiety, being utterly terrified of other kids. Then there was the therapist I once went to as a teenager, who suggested it might be worth looking into autism – but I blanked it out, and never went back.

In my twenties, years of research and reading every book on autism I could get my hands on began. I was doing and re-doing each and every autism self test out there in both English and German, over and over, re-testing year after year, because I still convinced myself that I must be making it all up. But the result was always the same.

Finally, I went in for assessment, and it was clear: I am, no doubt, autistic.

Since that day, I have been going down the research rabbit hole of late-diagnosed autism in women even more, and have learned a ton (my line 1 is very, very good at that) – about myself as an autistic person, and about the world how it responds to neurodivergence. And ever since then I have been wondering: how open should I be about it all?

Should I disclose the fact that I am autistic publicly? What would happen if I did? Would those who don’t know much about autism (and me) put me in a box, and make sure to steer clear of me? Would it wreck my professional life?

After all, I was told more than once that I am lucky not to have been diagnosed as a kid: Just think of the stigma, you would’ve been denied so many opportunities!

While I think that for my mental and emotional health it would’ve been indescribably valuable to understand why I struggled so much, I do think that, sadly, there’s truth to it. At least here in Germany, where, even now, the common understanding of autism is at a place where the English speaking world was about 20-30 years ago.

But how about today?

I love how much openness and sharing is happening in the autism community, how many books are being published and how easy it is now to find those who get it. It means that so much self-doubt is melting away, so many beliefs about being broken, or just lazy, are fading into the background as the realisation sinks in that there is nothing wrong with me – that I just happen to live in a culture and society that is not geared to brains and nervous systems like mine.

And the more I understand about my autistic experience, the more I realise how closely linked it is the mystic in me.

That one cannot exist without the other. Not just that: my professional skills, too, are interconnected with my autism. All of me is.

My ability to visualise and express the essence of my clients, seeing hidden connections, and helping them to make sense of the complexity of their being to bring it into a brand is a mystic, and autistic skill.

Without my autism, I wouldn’t have access to the intense hyperfocus and accompanying autistic joy that allows me to dive so deep into truly seeing them. I wouldn’t be able to pick up on so many tiny, poetic details, in life and in my work.

I wouldn’t experience such deep, soul-moving awe when the words and visuals that are just right fall into my awareness like intricate snowflakes.

My inner mystic, and my autistic self – they are two sides of the same coin.

So I decided that there’s no point in hiding one of them. After all, it’s time that the stigma around autism is finally lifted. I want to share my mystic, and my autistic experience. The light side, and the dark one. The joys, and the struggles. I hope that my decision to open up fully will help not only my fellow ND-folks to feel more seen, but also that it will contribute to educating the world about what it’s like to be autistic – knowing that, of course, each experience is completely unique.

I’d love to know, how do you identify?

Are you a mystic? Neurodivergent? Neurotypical? How did you come to the conclusion, what inspired you?

I’d love to hear your insights, your story, your journey, your comments and questions!

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Klara is a soul-led brand creator, vision doula and mystic living mentor.

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