That Autistic Interest in People.

THE STORY – How I deeply understand someone's soul, but small talk makes me cringe.

With THE STORY I’m sharing words from my soul, stories from my life, and the myth of my experience. Today I’ll let you in on how I relate to people as an autistic mystic, and why I love socialising in some ways, and really don’t at the same time.

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I have created a new writing spot in my office – the third one. It seems a little extreme to have three different desk spaces crammed into one room, but somehow it’s necessary: one for business work, one for energy work, one for creative work.

Now I can sit and write, and when I look up, I can see the edge of the Black Forest in the late afternoon sun. Clouds passing above. The sky almost too blue for a day in mid October, and a part of me is longing for rain again. Gloomy darkness. Foggy stillness. I am undeniably one for the darker days.

And as I sip my tea and think about today, I become aware once more of what has been on my mind a lot lately:

Me and people.

It’s a bit of a funny combination. A complicated one.

Here’s the thing: I love people. And also I really, really don’t.

It’s hard work for me to head into town on a Saturday morning, like yesterday. We go for coffee, and grab a croissant at the local café.

A couple we know sits down next to us. I spot them, anxiety flushing my system like caffeine. I say hi, and look away too soon.

“How have you been?”, she asks.

“Fine”, I respond.

He says something else – I can’t identify his words over the noise of the coffee machine and other people talking. I apologise, ask him to repeat his question, but again I can’t process what he says. I smile, and panic, say something, I don’t remember what it was. I look at my husband in desperation, and try to escape into my coffee cup.

I hate bumping into people I know. I hate unexpected meet-ups. I hate the feeling of tension shooting through my neck and shoulders, the panic over where to look and what to say and how to get away.

I’m not one for small talk.

And yet – I love people.

Just not in the bump-into-you kind of way.

I want to sit down with you, in a quiet space. I want to get to know you. The real you. I want to know who you are. I want to listen, really listen. No distractions.

I want to feel who your soul is. I want to know your story. The one that goes beyond the platitudes, and into the core of your truth.

I want to learn about what you dream of. What your vision for the future is. And how you see the past.

I want to understand you. I want to see you.

It feels edgy to put this into words. Questions arise: isn’t this creepy, too much, too intense? Too much to ask, too much to want?

And yet, that’s how I connect. That’s who I am. And slowly, slowly, I am beginning to understand that it’s not a burden, but a gift to be deeply interested in this way. I am beginning to realise how rare it is for many of us to give each other the gift of true seeing, true listening, and a true desire to know the other.

So maybe it’s not wrong to think that I want to know what fabrics delight your skin. What colours make your soul sing, and why. What words speak to you more deeply than others. What you feel when you light a candle on a dark October night. What song touches the edges of your being in such a way that you can’t hold back the tears.

Maybe it’s not wrong to desire to read your life as poetry, and become aware of the fullness of you – including all you think is too weird, too intense, too out there about you.

Maybe it’s not wrong to admit that I’d love to really get to know you.

And yes, maybe I won’t look into your eyes as you tell me your story, because I want to listen deeper than what I can see.

And yes, maybe I will go off on a tangent when I relate your experience to mine, finding connections in our stories, seeing me in you and you in me as we unravel who we are in each other’s energy.

And yes, maybe I will forget to ask you back about what you did last weekend, but I will be there to listen to your wildest dream. I will hold your most idealistic vision of the future with you. I will make space in my heart for your the of the world you long to build in the shape of your life.

Do you want to continue the Mystic Exploration?

The Mystic Collective is the place where we take the stigma out of mysticism, spirituality and otherness, explore what it means to live a poetic life, normalise your “weird” interests and wild visions for the future of Earth and support each other on the magical, adventurous journey of being a mystic in volatile times.

Complete the 6 week Initiation course (you can move through it in your own time) to be invited into the Inner Circle of Mystics, where you can continue this adventure (and many more!) through beautiful journaling prompts and an exploratory card spread, and join us by the bonfire, on moss-covered rocks, in the ancient forest of Mystic Sisterhood.